should I go to the funeral?

This summer, a client passed away.

She was 81 + had been declining with age when she received a tragic terminal diagnosis - and was gone in less than 3 months.

Relationships with clients are so strange - I see most clients monthly, which is more than I see some friends. There is such intimacy there, and yet we aren't really “inner circle” in their lives. There is such closeness and familiarity - and yet so often I see Massage Therapists asks, “Is it appropriate to go to this funeral?”

I always wondered what I would do in this situation. But before we get to attending funerals, I want to say this…

If you feel called to visit them at their home or facility to give gentle, compassionate touch/massage - please do, it can be a great comfort. You can also support family + caregivers by offering to see them.

AND ALSO if offering this does not feel good - you can say no (I did). We always need to be working within our capacity + comfort level, and that doesn't change because they're dying. You are never under any obligation to do anything that doesn't feel good/safe/possible.

To go to the funeral, or not?

Here's what I think - a visitation + funeral is for the people who wish to honor and pay respects to someone they cared about. There really aren't any “requirements." You aren't going to be graded on how much you cared or if you deserve to be there.

So, if you want to go - go.

You don't have to talk to anyone. You can hang out in the back. You can make a point to meet family + share a story. You can leave a card. There are no real rules.

If you're worried someone will ask who you are (they probably won't) just be honest. “Hi, I'm Annette. I was her Massage Therapist.” People will be so distracted - keep it short + simple.

And if you don't want to go - don't.